I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize