took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
