well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
