I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
