i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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