i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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