i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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