I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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