Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
