i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
