Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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