dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
