i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
worst night to have a conscience
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
