I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
