Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
