6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
