i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
