Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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