remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
