You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
