oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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