I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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