i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
