Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
