my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
