you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
