we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
