curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
