I'm going to jail i love you
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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