Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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