I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
