I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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