So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
