drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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