I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
