dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
