Cold hands, warm shart.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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