On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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