4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
