there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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