wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
