I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
