It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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