he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
FUCK WHALES
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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