so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
