I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Pooping to opera.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
