Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
