I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
