apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He felt like a one man threesome
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
