so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
