now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
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I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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