I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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