i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
